Work-In-Progress Parent
You don’t have to be perfect at being the kind of parent you want to be for your efforts to count
By Jessica Martin-Weber
Yesterday I had a moment... that I wasn't proud of.
An interaction with one of my children where I didn't respect my boundaries of how I will or will not communicate and engage with my children.
I really hate when that happens. Particularly now that it's pretty rare. It's been a long time since the last moment like this and maybe I was taking for granted the work it takes for me to emotionally regulate or resist some pretty deep programming. Or maybe I was just tired and my stress baseline had shifted without me realizing it.
Those moments, whether they happen frequently or just from time to time, can feel defeating. This is even more true when the learning curve is steep and it feels we have such a long, long way to go. You can see where you desire to be, you even have the tools you need to get there, but sometimes it’s like you’re just going backwards.
It used to crush me when this would happen. I would beat myself up, trying to shame myself into doing better.
Which is a garbage strategy, it doesn’t work. I did not do better with shame.
In the case of yesterday it was a brief moment and I was able to recognize what was happening pretty quickly, identify that I had blown past a boundary (what I will or will not do in communicating and engaging with my child), and take a moment to calm myself, and then initiate repair with my child on their terms when they were ready. Later I got curious about what was going on for me and if there was anything I needed to do differently to get ahead of that difficulty in the future.
“I try and try to use all these strategies, to know my triggers, to ‘be the calm to their storm’ and then I hit a wall and I blow it, undoing all the work I’ve done. Over and over again. What’s the point? I feel like when I blow it everything I’ve done well before is wasted.”
The client that said this was fighting back tears, so deeply disappointed in herself for how she had treated her children in a particularly challenging moment for her the week before.
She was convinced that struggling with being able to consistently implement the parenting responses she saw as so important in aligning with her values and goals serving her parenting purpose well was just as harmful as never implementing them. That the times she messed up negated all her other efforts.
We hear this pretty often from our parenting coaching clients and in the We’re All Human Here private group. And we get it. The grief, disappointment, frustration, and pain of not being where you really want to be is real.
Those feelings are worth exploring, sit with them, get curious about what’s going on, and recognize them for what they are. Not all feelings tell us the truth, though.
Because every single parenting response that aligns with our values and goals and serves our parenting purpose is valuable. If we’re growing, even without it being a perfect growth pattern with new skills consistently applied with mastery, that growth MATTERS. It is making a difference. If our efforts are showing up and we’re treating our children in ways that demonstrate that we value them, that we cherish the connection we have with them, that build them up and support them, even inconsistency can’t undo the impact.
Unless we don’t initiate real repair after we screw up.
Not fake apologies just to smooth things over or soothe our wounded pride. Genuine repair that centers the child’s feelings and needs, identifies and owns what we did wrong, apologizes and explains what we should have done, and vulnerably explains what we’ll do to do things differently next time.
Every time we initiate repair we show our children we’re imperfect people doing the work to grow by taking responsibility and holding ourselves accountable. Every time we initiate repair we’re teaching our brain a new pathway of response. Each time we initiate repair we also grow in forgiving ourselves and moving through those mistakes to be able to regulate and move through the emotions of having messed up. Each time we initiate repair we’re modeling for our children an important part of healthy relationships. Each time we initiate repair we are actually aligning with those same values and goals and serving our parenting purpose well.
Those efforts count. Even the imperfect ones.
Interested in learning more about practical boundaries in relationships?
Check out our Practical Boundaries masterclass & workbook.
And to join others who are new to boundaries or struggle to enforce them, and learn how to determine, communicate, and enforce boundaries in a group setting with 6 live guided sessions, and a private Facebook group for discussion and feedback between sessions, join our Practical Boundaries group coaching series, starting April 12th 2023!
Or if one-on-one support in your relationship or with your parenting or other relationships, sign up for a free initial private coaching consultation here.