What do you need?

An important, simple question and the problem with having needs after cult-life.

by Jessica Martin-Weber

“What do you need?”

A simple question. 

But have no fear, I am capable of complicating EVERYTHING!

It’s a gift. Probably. 

You see, sometimes I have no idea what I need. A snack? A nap? Some fresh air? Some space? A coffee? Or some chocolate?

You to do exactly what I ask without questioning and doing it cheerfully and preferably before I asked it because you should just know by now and if you really loved me you would be so attuned to me that you would already feel this and be aware and on top of everything?

Yikes. I would never be so unreasonable as to expect that now would I? No, of course not.

How am I supposed to know what I need? I spent most of my childhood believing that focusing on my needs was a lack of faith, that it was selfish, and that I was called to self-sacrifice. 

Having needs and others having to meet those needs is to be needy. I’m an adult, I must meet all my own needs! That is, if I absolutely MUST have needs which it is holiest/better to not have needs at all.

Nobody wants someone who is needy.  

Asking what I need is like smashing a panic button. 

Needs? I can’t have NEEDS!

To deny oneself is to be righteous. Good. Superior. 

Now you’re suggesting that my behavior is a sign of some unmet need? Like I’ve failed at taking care of myself and at self-sacrificing joyfully?

Worse, you’re expressing care for my needs?

NOW YOU’RE SACRIFICING FOR ME?!

Photo by Nik Shuliahin 💛💙 on Unsplash

To have needs is to be vulnerable. I preferred to click my impenetrable armor of self-sufficiency and self-sacrifice in place rather than to acknowledge my vulnerability by admitting I have needs. Secure in my closed off shell taking care of others, I felt safe. 

Until I realized closed off and safe aren’t the same thing. Living behind a wall of armor taking care of others isn’t the same as having connected relationships. Emotional intimacy isn’t fostered behind the chain mail of self-sacrifice, the breastplate and self-sufficiency, or the girded loins of self-denial.