Trying not to lose my sh*t when our child almost burned our house down
My struggle with emotional regulation when our child screwed up and I was scared
by Jessica Martin-Weber
*Okay, “almost” is hyperbole. She didn’t almost burn our house down. That’s just what my anxiety jumped to and is a realistic concern even though we didn’t come anywhere close to that.
I stood frozen in the kitchen, trying to find the words to say what I felt needed to be said but in a way that would be connecting and caring without being scary or shaming. Yet still be sure to impress the seriousness of the situation. Well, maybe a little bit scary because THIS WAS SCARY.
The problem?
I was scared.
18 years ago I may have just barely been able to keep myself from exploding but it would have been even more difficult. If I’d been able to do it at all. Fear often activates my anxiety which is then expressed as controlling or rage. Or both.
These days I have more tools in my tool box to emotionally regulate even in these intensely difficult moments. It is still hard, I’m just better equipped.
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The moment?
One of our children had been making themselves food. They left a high fat item with grease unattended on our gas range and went and read a book. It was discovered, smoking, and dangerously close to catching on fire.
*Thank goodness for smoke detectors. Check yours, make sure they are functioning properly.
I had not yelled. I was firm, sharp, and brief.
"What happened?"
My heart raced, my mind raced even more, I was livid as I imagined a house fire and my mind immediately jumped to whether or not we could get everyone out in time. A fairly common anxiety concern for me. Images that made my eyes sting played like a movie in my head, the worst possible outcome I could fathom unfolding in my mind even though the danger of that moment had passed.
*Reminder to self: review fire safety plan and evacuation routes, have family meeting to go over... again.*
Tension coursed through my body as I silently stared at her, waiting for an explanation and searching for the response that fit.
😳🔥🤯😡😭
It was ok for this child to see me upset and scared, they could encounter the impact of their actions and be faced with the potentially deadly serious consequences.
But I also know this child struggles with anxiety herself and she can be very hard on herself for her screw ups. And boy, did she screw up this time. I knew I didn't need to pile on. Activating a shame spiral for her wouldn't help, it would be counter productive. We needed connection and openness.
The problem was my heart was in my throat and it felt like all I could do was scream around it. Which goes against my personal communication boundaries so instead I said nothing or at least, not much. I asked what happened. I said this could have been very bad. I said that this wasn't safe. I said "I am having a hard time right now because I'm really angry and really scared."
It was taking everything within me to emotionally regulate myself.
*Smell the flower, BLOW OUT THE EFFING CANDLE.*
I didn't really trust myself to not say something scathing or loaded with fearful anger.
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That's when PAL came in handy.
Pause- Acknowledge- Listen.
I was quite for a bit. I thought about what was important to me in that moment. I reflected on my values. I reviewed my personal communication boundaries. I reminded myself that connection has to happen before correction in order to protect our relationship. I brought the key message I want my children to take away from every interaction with me to the front of my mind.
"I love you. That was scary. I know you can tell I was scared and I know that's scary too."
She nodded and looked away, tears filling her eyes.
"Yeah, that was scary," I said again, "We're safe, everything is ok, this time."
Silence.
"Help me understand how this happened, please."
She didn't want to at first. "I don't know" she said.
But she did know. We both knew she knew.
"No" I said, "You know how this happened. I'm listening."
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Time for more of the A, acknowledge while we try to get to the L, listen.
"Maybe you don't want to say, maybe you're embarrassed, maybe you're disappointed, maybe you're scared we'll set a new boundary you won't like, maybe you're just not sure how we'll respond but I know you know how this happened. This is hard. Talking about our screwups is hard. I'm listening."
She looked away again.
"Please tell me, we can only work this out together and we can only do that if you participate. I will stay calm no matter what you tell me. I will listen and ask questions to better understand, I won't lecture or punish. I'm listening."
Silence again.
"I was reading."
"In your room?"
"Yes."
"Can you help me understand why you started a fire on the stove with something cooking and then left the fire and went to a different floor in the house and read where you couldn't see, hear, or otherwise tend the fire and cooking food?"
"Not really. I didn't mean to."
Breathe.
"Can you tell me more about that?"
Dear reader, I was practically biting my tongue to keep from exploding at that. This was very hard for me.
*Smell. The. Flower. Blow. Out. The. Candle.*
Breathe.
"I meant to go grab my book and read it down here but I forgot when I got to my room and I just started reading."
😪
Well poop.
I understand this. Like me, this child is ADHD. My anxiety would never let me leave the gas stove unattended but I have forgotten other situations between point A and point B far too many times.
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Where do we go from here? How do we support her and keep us all safe while she builds skills in this area? What’s realistic? And do I just lay down the law or can we troubleshoot this together?
And most importantly, how do we really connect through this?
The ending may surprise you.
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