My friend Cindy and I were talking about the power of the phrase: “try again.” Delivered with kindness and openness that isn’t critical or threatening, “try again” can be an effective and connecting skill building tool. A chance for a do-over.
“Try again, please.”
“I’m sorry, I was unkind, can I try again?”
“This is hard for you, why don’t you try again.”
“That felt rude, try again.”
“I see you’re having a hard time, you should try that again.”
“I’m having a hard time understanding you, please try again.”
”I didn’t handle that well, I need to try again.”
“Try again” encourages second chances, self-awareness, perseverance, self-correction, empathy, patience, and gentle guidance. Kids and adults benefit from the chance to try again. “Try again” can be the start of repair in rupture.
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When do we start using “try again?” From infancy.
“Ouch, that latch hurts mama, let’s try again.”
“Oh I startled you when I started to change you. Let me hold you close for a minute and then we’ll try again.”
“Ok, you’re not ready for tummy time right now, we can try again later.”
By the time they’re in toddlerhood, “try again” is used frequently and for just about everything.
Struggling to get their coat on? Try again.
Screaming about the wrong color cup? Try again.
Run away? Try again.
“Try again” could be punitive or initiate a power struggle if there is a threat underlying it and in that case, it will cause harm. But with kindness and firm gentleness, “try again” is a way to hold space for developing skills while honoring healthy boundaries.
To be sure to avoid using “try again” in a way that is belittling or threatening, check your intention. The goal isn’t to make them feel small or to shame anyone, the goal is to hold space. There is no withholding of support or affection or what it is that is desired in that moment if they can’t execute a try again. Rather there is empathy and understanding that maybe they can’t try again in that moment. Still, the opportunity is provided and when they can try again successfully, the reward of being able to do that hard thing, be it a physical challenge or an emotional regulation challenge or a choosing the right words challenge, is self-confidence and relief. Sometimes a developing skill just needs a chance for a do-over.
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Teens benefit from “try again” as well. It can be an extension of grace in the face of unkind words, impulsive actions, irritability, refusing responsibilities, lashing out, and other difficulties. And they benefit from seeing the adults in their life try again when they mess up too.
“That was harsh. Could you try again?”
“I didn’t respond well earlier, I need to try again” are reconnecting and repairing words.
“Try again” can be a parent’s lifeline. As someone who as struggled with emotional regulation, “try again” has had a substantial impact on me being able to develop and implement strategies and skills that work for me. The more I “try again” the less I end up needing to do so because I start going to the “try again” response skill more and more as I practice the skill with “try again.”
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“Try again” isn’t always appropriate, there are times when it won’t be helpful and it is important to recognize that “try again,” like anything, can be used weaponized by abusers. “Try again” is helpful in safe, trusting, connected relationships.
”Try again” is a way of giving the benefit of the doubt in healthy, trusting, connected relationships. Holding empathetic space for someone our ourselves to mess up, make mistakes, and struggle. Even in adult relationships, partners, parents and their adult children, friends, “try again” can be a way to hold a boundary with empathy. Repair can even be started with “can I try that again?” Improving communication often starts with “try again.”
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At the core of it all, “try again” demonstrates that we believe in someone. It kindly shows grace with hope, a belief in the person and the relationship put into action.
Want more examples like this and tried and true strategies to help you reach your relationship or parenting goals? Would you like to change your parenting? Want to interact differently with your partner with improved communication?
We're Jessica and Jeremy Martin-Weber, parenting educators and coaches, former teachers, and parents of 9. We're here to help. With masterclasses, workbooks and guides, and personalized private coaching, we support families in reaching their goals in their most important relationships. With a deep understanding of neurodiversity, high demand religious backgrounds, child development, and being trauma informed, we work with our clients with practical action steps that align with their values, goals, and purpose.
For a no-cost, no-obligation conversation with us to get you started on moving closer to the relationship you want with your children, go here.