"I HATE YOU!" Responding to an angry child lashing out
I would have never spoken like that to my parents, why would I let my child do so with me?
“I HATE YOU!”
Used to those words from one of my children filled me with sadness followed by anger. A colliding sense of “how dare you speak to me like that” and “don’t disrespect me” and “that’s not fair, I’m only doing this thing because it is the right thing to do” and “but I would die for you!” would rise in me accompanied by the feeling of my mother looking on with disapproval and the words “are you going to let her disrespect you like that?”
I would NEVER have said that as a child.
Except for the one time I did and got my mouth washed out with soap which I wasn’t allowed to rinse before going back to the breakfast table to finish my Rice Krispies and drink the milk, all with the overpowering taste of soap. I never said it again because I was afraid to, afraid of my mother, afraid of the soap, and afraid of my feelings.
Even still, as my 6 year old screamed those words at me that memory came back. I saw my bowl of cereal and tasted the soap in my mouth and remembered wishing I could die.
A child lashing out with “I hate you” or “You’re mean” or any other large reaction of hurt is expressing themselves best they can in that moment. What we hear is “I hate you” what it means is “I’m hurting and need help.” Being met with punishment for the inability to ask say that calmly only deepens the hurt and teaches fear rather than skill development.
My little girl deserved better. So did I.
Parenting with Connection Masterclass Series: Yell less and actually be heard; Emotional regulation for the tapped out/burned out parent; Why your kids are fighting so much and how to change it; Stop butting heads with your child; When responding with calm doesn’t seem to work; Internet, Devices, and Your Family. Plus, a special discount for paid Susbstack subscribers!
The good news is we both get the better we deserve and come through this moment more connected and more secure, working on our developing emotional regulation skills.
I put the pens up out of reach and reminded myself that these words were the ones she found when she reached for something to express the big, angry, frustrated feelings she was having. She didn’t hate me, she hated this situation, she hated the boundary I was holding. She had gotten into one of her big sister’s things and found some treasured pens. Magical pens as far as she was concerned. Forbidden magical pens. And respecting that her big sister wasn’t feeling well and had left the pens in reach, I looked out for them both by holding the boundary of the pens (and yes, interfering with logical consequences that the pens were left out in little sister’s reach- I also have left things in the reach of little ones and appreciated others helping with that).
She was still yelling. She hated me, I was being mean, it wasn’t fair, she wanted the pens, I wasn’t respecting her boundaries, she doesn’t consent to me putting the pens away, etc.
I reminded myself that a child lashing out isn’t disrespect, it is unbridled hurt that she feels safe enough to express and is still lacking the skill to do so without being hurtful. A child lashing out is a sign of immaturity, as the mature one I need to model how hurt is expressed without harming others. Of course a child expresses herself immaturely, she is a child.
Managing your emotions and responding well when you’re tapped out can feel nearly impossible. The Emotional Regulation for the Tapped Out/Burned Out Parent Masterclass gets parents started with honest and down to earth techniques.
With the pens put away I returned to her and offered a hug.
“I DON’T WANT A HUG! I WANT THE PENS!”
Fair enough.
This wasn’t going to be as simple as me giving her a hug and her moving through her emotions quickly. Because my parenting priorities and parenting purpose don’t fit with lecturing her or demanding respect and they certainly don’t fit with washing her mouth out with soap or any other punitive punishment, I knew I had to be intentional in how I communicated with her to support her in working through her feelings without me taking it personally or allowing my own hurt to determine my next steps.
This is what that conversation looked like.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to We're All Human Here's Substack to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.