How to respond when someone is yelling at you
I was yelled at a lot as a child, my stress reaction to yelling was strong and I'd think of how I wished I had responded for days after being yelled at as an adult. Here's how I changed.
When someone yells at you it can be difficult to know how to respond. Keep reading for proven tips that can help.
As relationship and parenting coaches we've helped families with practical strategies to move away from yelling and manage it when it happens. As a cult survivor, complex trauma survivor, teacher, parenting educator, and parent I’ve had to use these strategies myself to move from reacting to responding when someone yells at me.
With partners and with kids, yelling may sometimes happen (or a lot of times) but it doesn't have to stay that way. How we respond can make a difference (but it is never our fault someone yells at us or others).
Our most popular 6 week community support and group coaching series "A Path To Ending Yelling and Still Being Heard" is coming back and there's still time to register.
Responding in the moment to someone yelling.
For many, someone yelling at them triggers a stress reaction: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop. These reactions are largely involuntary and can be nearly impossible to override.
Yelling is a form of violent communication. It is violent and damaging, which is why it triggers the stress reaction.
But if we can assure ourselves that we are not in danger from someone yelling (which of course, we have to actually not be in danger then), we may be able to take control of our stress reaction and have a more intentional response. This can be particularly helpful in deescalating the situation and actually help keep us more safe in the interactions that follow.
These strategies are not recommended for responding to someone that is abusive as it can be difficult to tell what will or will not diffuse them and that will be unique to each situation. If you are in an abusive relationship with someone that yells at you and you are in danger, do what you need to do to stay as safe as possible and get away from them.
When responding to a yelling adult it is important to not feed their anger or escalate the yelling by shouting back, making jabs, becoming passive aggressive, or stonewalling (or ignoring). Resist getting sucked into debate, criticism, arguing facts, defensiveness, etc. Mentally step back and become an observer asking yourself what is happening and why and notice the other person's words, body language, and situation. As you respond, be sure you are sincere, not patronizing or saccharine sweet or cheesy as this can enrage the out of control person further. Speak in a low tone that is measured and calm.
In the moment you can:
Acknowledge their emotional expression- "I understand this is very serious and important by how you are expressing yourself."
Be calm and polite- "I want to listen, thank you for sharing your concerns with me."
Express your discomfort- "The way this conversation is happening is uncomfortable for me" or "when you raise your voice I have a hard time."
Take a break- "We're going to need to come back to this, I need to take some space to respond calmly and well."
Empathize and assure coming back to the issue- "It is really important to me, I can see that this is important to you. I want to come back to it when we can have a calm and respectful discussion about it. We can decide later when that will be. For now, I'm taking a break."
Wait to agree with them- agreeing while they are yelling may just be fawning and may encourage yelling in the future and if you do not agree with them, don't give the impression that you do.
Coming back to the conversation later will build trust. Be clear on your personal communication boundaries and other practical boundaries to do your part for a successful follow up conversation.
In our Yell Less Masterclass and the Yell less community support and group coaching series, we go further in depth on how to get ahead of yelling through follow up conversations and practical strategies that prevent more yelling whether you're the one yelling or someone else is. Learn practical tools and strategies with accessible action steps, understand where yelling comes from, early steps for preventing yelling, and explore effective release and emotional regulation for in the moment in this live masterclass or watch or listen to the recording whenever works best for you.
The Yell Less Masterclass is a part of our Parenting with Connection Masterclass Series as well.