How I Learned To Like My Child

Though I loved her, I didn't like her but it was my responsibility to change that and learn how to like her exactly how she is, who she is.

by Jessica Martin-Weber

Originally posted on Patreon in 2021.

***Content warning- difficult relationship with parent discussed including parent not liking their child.***

Fastening my flame-proof cape as I post this.

There was once a child I gave birth to that I didn’t like. I loved her, desperately, but I didn’t like her. 

I like her now. A lot. And have for a while. But it didn’t happen easily. 

It took me forever to admit it, I had such shame about my feelings. After all, what kind of mother doesn’t like her own child? 

I was determined she wouldn’t know and that I would figure out how to change this. But she did know, even if it was never spoken. She didn’t like me either. We didn’t click, didn’t seem to be able to relate. Oil and water. Fire and ice. She frustrated me and I annoyed her. It wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t completely my fault either. It was, however, my responsibility. I wrote about that here.

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I loved her. Deeply. Passionately. My pregnancy with her was difficult, the hardest of all of them. Growing her nearly killed me and I was repeatedly urged to terminate her pregnancy in order to save my life. Severe HG during her pregnancy meant that at 5 months pregnant I was 83lbs and had permanent heart damage, kidney damage, and liver damage. My love for her consumed me, literally. I spent much of her pregnancy wishing I could die. And her birth was long, hard, and scary. Her very coming into this world drilled down deep into the depths of my love before I even saw her face.

So it shocked me when I realized years later that I didn’t like her.