How I learned to be a leader that listens and cares rather than mocks and divides
What happened when I was in church leadership and I shifted from being defensive and angry at my critics to trying to understand their concerns.
by Jessica Martin-Weber
Years ago when I was on staff at a church, there was a group of people that vehemently opposed me and everything I did. It really seemed like they hated me (they did call me the whore of Babylon and other “biblical” names so it was pretty convincing that they hated me). The comment cards I received every Monday after Sunday services always included several from this contingent of the church and I would have to read about how they hated everything I did, from my clothes to my work.
It was rough.
My pastor and boss at the time encouraged me to get curious about their perspective. He coached me to be interested and engaged with them without taking their words personally. He cautioned me against mocking them or antagonizing them, telling me that would not make anything better, only worse. He reminded me to see them as people rather than villainous caricatures.
I didn’t particularly want to do this but I did want to figure out how to minister to them and meet them where they were. I agreed to try.
So I would set up meetings with them, listen to their concerns, take notes, ask them humbly to pray for me, invited their feedback.
A few refused to meet with me but most did. They had some very valid points. Even if I didn’t agree with them, I could understand what they took issue with and why. I could understand how they felt deeply about the changes I represented (including that I was a woman in the position). I could see how they really were struggling. Even though I couldn’t relate to that aas their struggle, I determined it wasn’t up to me to decide if it was valid, just to care for them through it.
There were times I felt defensive, misunderstood, and angry. Times when I wanted to mock them and dismiss them. Moments I wanted to argue and try to convince them to see my perspective.
It wasn’t easy but it was valuable.
Sometimes, after thought and consideration, I did agree with them. Sometimes, after thought and consideration I didn’t agree with them but it was an area that I felt could be modified so as to make it less uncomfortable for them and support them through the changes that were being made. Sometimes, after thought and consideration, it didn’t matter if I agreed with them, it was an area that was out of my hands and I was following my leaders so I directed them to speak with my boss. My goal was to hear them, understand them, care for them, consider their perspective, find common ground, find ways to collaboratively problem solve, and value them by treating them with dignity and respect.
Always, I thanked them for sharing their concerns with me. I expressed that I valued them as members of our congregation and I wanted to find a way forward that respected them while also honoring the direction the church was going as determined by the leadership. I invited them to continue to share with me.
Most of the time this worked really well. We didn’t see eye to eye but we did have the chance to value each other and could dialogue about our differences. The comments on the comment cards began to shift and while some were still pretty awful to me, most expressed their concerns and complaints directly to me and with much more dignity. A tiny handful of those ended up becoming committed advocates for me even though we didn’t often agree. Some left the church.
My boss helped me learn to hold boundaries with dignity and respect through the process, to not dwell on the personal attacks they made, and to remember that it said a lot more about where they were and what they were dealing with than it said anything about me. Boundaries that reflected my values and character. He also helped me to recognize when there wasn’t anything more I could do to connect with someone that didn’t want to connect with me and was unwilling to treat me with respect after I gave them the opportunity by showing care for them. It wasn’t a process of sacrificing myself or my wellbeing to make everyone happy, it was a process of leading with care and that meant knowing when I needed to step back and let them deal with their own stuff. And of course, send them on to him.
I’m grateful for that experience. I learned a lot and became a better leader through it. I was deeply wounded during my brief tenure at that church but this particular experience was one of the most positive.
When people are deeply dissatisfied, meeting them with curiosity and kindness and valuing them AND their perspective is unifying. It is connecting.
Caring about the experience of the disgruntled members of our community, is, I believe, high quality leadership. Servant leadership. Loving leadership. Effective leadership. Caring leadership. Mature leadership. Unifying leadership.
Seeing the president of the USA respond to the millions of citizens that protested in the No Kings march around the country with an AI video of him wearing a crown and flying a fighter jet dumping his excrement on the heads of the people demonstrating how concerned they are about how things are going under his leadership just confirms why so many of us are concerned. His mocking of those of us that have a different perspective does not inspire trust and connection or any kind of belief that we matter as citizens. His response is a depiction of him literally shitting on anyone who disagrees with him.
To see his supporters, many who claim to be Christian, defend his response and dismiss the protests without any genuine curiosity and value of those that are protesting, breaks my heart.
It isn’t funny. I can’t imagine why anyone would think this is quality humor or a good joke. Even if it was, even it is “just a joke” is that really how a good leader responds to the concerns the people they lead express?
All those years ago, my pastor taught me that it is not.
Today my heart also tells me it is not.
I do not regret taking the time as a leader to see the humanity in the very people that at times would dehumanize me. I do not regret taking them seriously and listening to their concerns as a leader. I do not regret being a leader that prioritized building bridges and connecting with people that had very different perspectives and even values than I. I do not regret being a leader that held my boundaries through with respect and dignity.
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