How Forbidding Tattling Enables Pedophile Groomers
Why we welcome tattling and what we do with it to help our children
by Jessica Martin-Weber
We recently heard from an educator that follows us that they have been implementing a “welcoming of tattling/telling” policy in their classroom. They shared they learned this from us and that it has been helpful in improving communication in their classroom.
(Want to know how we handle other adults taking issue with our stance on tattling as well as the roles we may take in navigating tattling situations? See here.)
Because the students believe they are listening to them.
The teacher shared they learned this from us.
We encourage our children to "tattle".
Even though I HATE tattling.
"Stop Butting Heads With Your Child: Bring fighting to an end between you and your child masterclass” sets parents and kids up for working together through challenges without fighting.
We choose to welcome our children sharing anything and everything with us, even if their purpose is to get someone in trouble or they don’t like something that’s happening and want us to use our power to stop it.
All sharing from our children is welcomed. We’re ready to listen.
Some make a clear distinction between tattling and telling or reporting.
Tattling is reporting a peer’s wrongdoing, when the situation is safe and the child can handle it herself.
Telling/reporting is alerting adults that the situation is not safe and/or your child needs help managing the situation.
Tattling to get a peer in trouble can be mean-spirited.
Telling/reporting to protect a peer from harm is civic-minded or showing concern for others
While we understand this approach there are three big problems we see with it:
Young children in particular have a hard time knowing when a situation is safe and what they can handle themselves.
It is an adult responsibility to determine when they need to intervene, not the child’s responsibility to determine that.
As children are learning the distinctions between a safe and unsafe situation and what they can or can not handle themselves, they need to trust that they won’t be in trouble for not knowing the difference and they can rely on adults to assist them.
Parenting with Connection Masterclass Series: Yell less and actually be heard; Emotional regulation for the tapped out/burned out parent; Why your kids are fighting so much and how to change it; Stop butting heads with your child; When responding with calm doesn’t seem to work; Internet, Devices, and Your Family. Plus, a special discount for paid Susbstack subscribers!
***Content Warning- sexual assault***
A number of years ago two of our children were sexually assaulted by the teenage son of our then best friends. It was prosecuted by the state and we went through the whole process of a full investigation, court prep, and trial. This event directly changed our parenting in a number of ways.
Tattling is one of them.
Because how we approached tattling was directly involved and directly enabled the sexual assault of our children.
Get more supportive relationship and parenting content, special offers, and resources directly to your inbox by joining our email list here.
This will be long...
Prior to learning about the sexual assault of our children by the then teenage son of our then best friends, we had a strict no tattling policy. The kids would start telling us something and we'd ask them if they were tattling and essentially shut it down.
Most parents and teachers don't care for tattling. It is annoying, it's rarely helpful or productive, and it can be a tool kids use against each other. We used to feel similarly and strongly discouraged tattling, at times our children even were disciplined for tattling.
All that changed nearly when we discovered that this was one factor that enabled our daughters' abuser.
Children that can and do communicate freely and openly with their parents are less of a target to those that would groom children for abuse. Abusers look for children that do not freely share with their adults.
Our children shared that they didn't tell us what was happening to them because they didn't want to tattle. Their abuser even warned them not to tattle (he threatened them extensively as well) or they would be "bad." They knew tattling was wrong but at 3 and 5 they didn't understand the difference between tattling and telling us something we needed to know.
How could they? They were small children without adult understanding.
We immediately shifted our stance on tattling and for the last 18 years have welcomed our children coming to us with their concerns and issues, even if it is in the form of what we previously would have considered tattling.
PSSSSST… we also moved away from “secrets” (something that is never shared with others) to surprises (something that is eventually shared with others such as a birthday gift) and work hard to be sure our children know they will never be in trouble or judged for what they tell us, no matter what it is. We cultivate a culture of communication in our home where secrets have no place.
Intentionally educating ourselves on normal childhood development has helped us better understand and guide our children. Which is exactly how we see tattling. Our job with tattling is to help our children discern when they need our assistance with a situation and when they don't.
Here is our approach to handling "tattling" now (we no longer even use the term and have found over the years that our own perception and attitude toward the practice has changed):
Child comes to us, we listen fully to what they have to say without interrupting. We want them to always feel that we will hear them out and anything they have to say to us is important to us, believing that if they can come to us with the little things they will feel safe to come to us about big things. Particularly since they can't really tell the difference between "little" and "big" things.
We determine what questions we should ask in response to what our child has shared. Sometimes we may decide to move to a more private location with our child for less distractions or to protect their privacy. If we've determined that our immediate intervention isn't needed, we move on to the next step.
We ask questions that will help them figure out if they need our help. Such as:
Is someone hurt? (if yes, we go with them to assess the situation.)
What would you like for me to do with this information? (i.e. are you hoping someone is going to get in trouble? Do you think I need to tell someone to stop doing something? Are you angry at someone and want me to do something about it?)
Is this situation one that needs the help of someone else such as a grown up? Can you tell me why you think that is?
Can you tell me what concerns you about this? (i.e. someone is going to get hurt, it is a violation of our community agreements, they're breaking rules, I don't like it, I don't feel it is safe, I'm scared, etc.) Sometimes we have to ask more questions to get to this.
Have you tried to share your concerns with this person?
How did you share your concerns and how did they respond?
What are some other ways you could respond to this situation? (i.e. walk away, request a Peace Path for resolution, etc. We will make suggestions if they can't come up with something.)
Can you please go try that and let me know how it goes? If you still need my help, I'm happy to help.
If we determine they came to us to get someone in trouble or out of a desire to control someone else, we help them work through that themselves, discussing options and methods for them to address their concern with the other party. We will let them know when it wasn't necessary to involve us but thank them for trusting us to come to us in the first place. Usually saying something like "Thank you for coming to me with your concerns, I always want to know what concerns you and help if I can. This time I think you can work through this problem with __________ on your own using what we discussed but if you feel you need my help, please let me know. You matter to me and I am always here to help you. Thank you for sharing with me."
Our goal is to help them learn when they do and don't need adult intervention for their conflict and concerns. Often what fuels tattling is a sense of justice or a desire to control someone. Helping them learn how to recognize when it is something that indeed needs adult caregivers attention and when it doesn't includes helping them identify their own motives in coming to us.
Managing your emotions and responding well when you’re tapped out can feel nearly impossible. The Emotional Regulation for the Tapped Out/Burned Out Parent Masterclass gets parents started with honest and down to earth techniques.
But for us to be able to even receive that, we have to understand in ourselves why we do or don't want to hear it. For us it was often that we expected our children to know the difference before they were developmentally able to tell when something was a big deal or not. It is annoying and inconvenient to have to deal with tattling. And it certainly isn't attractive to have kids coming and complaining about other kids (or adults) wanting them to get in trouble. However, as adults, it is our responsibility to guide them in learning the difference.
We never use the term "tattle" with our own children now and see it as a completely different thing than we did before. Reframing it as hearing their concerns and responding to their concerns by helping them learn how to manage it themselves or by intervening when necessary has made it seem less of an inconvenience and more of just another aspect of guiding our children. Not all adults understand or appreciate this, but we are committed to supporting our children in this way. (Here’s how we handle this with adults that don’t understand or support this position and the roles we take in supporting our children in those “tattling” moments.)
Ultimately tattling is our children seeking our guidance and input when they feel scared, angry, frustrated, hurt, and out of control. Expecting them to act like adults as children isn't fair, we have the skills they need to learn and it is our responsibility to teach them.
When there is no such thing as tattling for children, they can learn the skills to better determine when they need adult help and not by trusting the guidance and affirming reception they will receive from their grown ups each and every time they share.
Need practical support in working through your parenting difficulties or relationship challenges to help you reach your goals? Judgment-free and shame-free relationship and parenting coaching drawing on over 25 years of experience as educators, parents, mentors, and coaches, we’re here to support you. Sign up for a free consult session.
For more parenting resources, please visit our We’re All Human Here shop.
Did this article speak to you?
Support my writing!
One of the ways you can do so is to…
You can also: